Hints of endings

Endings are interesting.  Some are sad, some are if not happy at least not sad.  Others are temporary, some are permanent.  They're all different, and all of them will teach you something even if it's that you should have ended something sooner.

Anyway, this all leaps to mind because my last day of work is Monday.  I spent the last week going around seeing things that have become familiar almost like new, as it was if not the last time I'd see them, it was likely the next to last time.  It's a bit sad, and not at the same time.  I'll miss some things, like hanging out with the kids, and the walks with the dog when I did all my thinking.  I'll even miss the biking.  I notice things, and remember things.  Like last time was the last time I put M to bed.  I'm not going to have to do that again.  Monday's going to be chock full of "last times".  Should be interesting.

Another odd/interesting experience for me is feeling lonely.  In fact I didn't even quite know what I was feeling until today.  I just knew I was slightly unhappy, there was something off, and I couldn't figure out what.  And then I was sitting reading today and it struck me that I was feeling lonely.  The friends I made who I saw regularly and was close to went home months ago.  There's a couple more who are still here and I need to make sure I see them before I leave, but I see them infrequently.  I realised I haven't had a conversation about things that make me happy with someone I actively enjoy hanging out with for about a month.  Bar one day.  One of the friends who left came back for a day and I hung out with her all day, which, now I think about it probably set this off.  I was happier that one day than I have been in weeks.  It's also just occurred to me that this likely isn't good for me as an extrovert, but I also don't think hanging out with people I don't like much is going to help.  Hopefully I'll last for another two or three weeks without going too bonkers.

Mildly confused

My brain is in a complete muddle.  It's like part of it is still with me for the day to day, remembering to remind the kids to take their lunch bag or tennis racket or what have you, and the other part is waaay too busy with other things to be present at all.  It's a little bit like slogging through mud in my brain.  I was told it could be because while I'm still working, part of me has already moved on and is thinking about/planning what comes next.  And for the past three weeks or so I've been halfway between desperate to be finished and freaking out because I'm running out of time.  A totally random state of mind that isn't particularly comfortable.  Missing things from home with impatience mixed in one moment, worrying about not having access to certain things in Holland the next.

The other thing that's thrown me for a bit of a loop is I've only got one week of work left when up until Tuesday I thought I had four.  My host family's plans changed and now I'm done on the first of next month.  It was very odd, 'cause I thought I'd be happy or sad but I was...  Kind of ambivalent.  It's because life chucked a curve ball at my host family, so not the nicest of reasons anyway and I'm sad about that so that's probably part of it.  The other part is probably because I had a count down in my head to keep me slightly saner and to plan outings around and it's just gone poof!!!  Which, again, under normal circumstances isn't a bad thing but it got me completely muddled for a couple of days.  Strange business, brains.

So yeah, where I'm at now is 1: Desperate for some geeking out, 2: in need of some serious hugs, and 3: in a state of mild confusion.  And I'm still trying to figure that last part out.

Shade and Sweet Water y'all

Some recap

So on Friday I went in to Amsterdam (as per my usual) with two particular things on the to do list.  First was to got to the World Press Photo exhibit at the Nieuwe Kerk, and the second was to go to the House of Bols.

The World Press photo exhibit was well worth it.  There are some truly amazing shots included and I almost cried a few times.  You know the pictures are good when that happens.

And the House of Bols.  Well.  The tour part itself was pretty interesting.  It involved the history of the distillery and Genever itself, a room where you could smell all of their liquors and try to identify the flavour and pick your favourite (I liked the Blue Curacao and the Parfait Amour) and another where they walked you through all the basic ingredients without, of course, giving specific quantities or mixes.  And because they've been making spirits since 1575 there's old account books or sales notices tucked away in the odd corner, not to mention the piece by one of Rembrandt's students that was given to the family to pay off a debt.  

And then, of course, we come to the part where they give you booze.  The price of admission covers one cocktail and two shots.  I got a Mai Tai 'cause I know I like those.  The cocktail glass was big, which normally I love.  But the first sip?  WHOOOOO!!!!  The first thing that went through my head was "Well this is a kick you inna teef cocktail!"  I finished most of it.  And then I had two shots!  I tried the Jonge Genever and the Blue Curacao.  The next thing I noticed, of course, was the fact that I was most definitely tipsy, probably close to barely drunk if not juuuust over the line.  This was mainly noticeable because while not actively weaving or stumbling, my brain could tell that my balance was not entirely up to usual standards.  The other contributing factor was the fact that I was babbling at myself in my head.  And I was reminded yet again why I dislike being anywhere near drunk.  I don't like it when most of my brain works except for one or two parts which just got cold cocked.  The working parts get incredible frustrated with myself, and in this case most of it was working.  I'm just very very glad that I wasn't drunk enough to get the headache that usually comes five minutes after the alcohol kicks in. 

I ended up rambling at myself most of the way back to the train station.  The first thing that wandered through my head was "Kick you inna teef.  That's a Pratchettism.  I wonder how many other people wander through life with Terry Pratchett quotes as part of their everyday thought process and their daily language?"  Then I started to analyse the Genever.  It's got a crisp, clear flavour which would probably mix very well with most other alcohols.  Reminds me a bit of Vodka, but not as harsh.  When I was telling my mum about it I said "Think of it like this.  Vodka, as a spirit, is very Russian.  Genever is very Dutch."  That's a bit simplified but basically what it boils down to.  The next thing I noticed was what always happens when I'm drunk or tipsy, same as the headache.  I started getting draggingly tired.  Like, sleepy while walking to the point of not seeing clearly tired.  So I went to Starbucks.  Thank God for coffee.  At that point I'd picked up my dinner so I finally got on the tram and headed back to the train station.

The day ended with a very nice chat with a fellow at the Hilversum station about Dutch history and the fact that I didn't have a rich Dutch boyfriend or girlfriend yet.  It was highly entertaining and a good end to the day.

Oh, and I got a new camera. 

Ttfn