Closer to the end

The end is creeping ever closer, and I'm all discombobulated by it and other things.  I'm in a weird mind set where everything is going along as normal but isn't at the same time.  There's an inner clock ticking away and the end isn't clear.  I'm missing people who've already left, or people I haven't seen yet but will before I leave.  I look out the window of the train at scenes that have become so familiar I take them for granted and realise I won't see them for much longer.  And while I may see them again, it might not be for years.  I'm trying to memorise specific views and vistas, wondering if routes I know through the centre of cities will have remained and what will have changed along them.  That feel in the air after it's rained, and just how incredibly damp it is here.  Oh, and the sound of hoofs and waggon wheels on cobblestones.  I won't hear that again.  And most, most most, of all.  Trying to absorb and inhale the feeling of Amsterdam.  To remember how it feels, it's own particular pulse, beat, rhythm, which no other city has.  Trying to make it part of my skin.

 One thing I'm very grateful for from this past year was the opportunity to learn the pulses of Rome, Venice, Munich, Brussels.  Some of those have grabbed me with such a fascination I know I'll be back to learn them properly and more in depth.  But because of where I've lived the most familiar now is Amsterdam.  It's comfortable for me now, and still fascinating because there's all sorts of things I haven't found in it yet.  Not so well known streets, little parks, funny little houses.  So most of all.  Memorising Amsterdam.  Which things to remember to tell people "I wish I could show you!"  Lots of those.  Trying to explain the personality, which way to go to get to the old town, which streets have the parties, or are just more fun.  I know I'll miss things, and I won't realise I miss them for a few months in some cases.  But that's good in some ways.  Less to miss now.  Gives me time to process.

Be well